Ugh. mental constipation. Deuces 2019.

First off,

yay!

made it this far into the holiday shopping season without succumbing.

I really wanted to buy a used Rei Merino half zip black base layer but, in all honesty, I am trying to get rid of clothing.

i shouldn't add when I KNOW I am trying, and desiring, to subtract.

And, to be fair,

I have possibly* enough black base layers.

(I went through them today - I have more than enough, just not many paired sets)

why the closet slim down this time around?

Our washer died, was replaced, and this new washer was spitting out hot water instead of cold.

today, we learned the person who installed the new guy connected the hot and cold water incorrectly.

so YAY: Crisis averted.

also,

i was in a mood to get rid of everything.

I stared at it the other day trying to figure out how to check if it was connected correctly WITHOUT making things worse or creating a larger hole in the wall…

i decided to wait for professionals.

i am grateful for creature comforts like running hot AND COLD water. Including, but not limited to, washers, showers, and sinks.

Needless to say,

I was dismayed But, moreover, PISSED.

i am not trying to shrink my clothes, y'all.

I was living the scenario,

“if you have to hand wash everything, would you?

moreover,

would you keep what you have

or get rid of stuff?”

I am very much in the “minimizing” camp for this scenario.

even though: crisis averted,

it isn't a bad scenario to give life to.

the closet rods are still snug with clothes.

to think,

they were snugger still when I embarked on my zero-ish waste flavor of minimalism journey in 2017.

I definitely have clothes I wear more often than others.

And~

I don't exactly go to galas anymore…

Winter is here.

~but not forever.

(So I should refrain from purchasing a used merino half zip base layer when I am trying to minimize the wardrobe again).

in addition to reflecting on this wardrobe slim down session,

I am reflecting on

what kind of life do I want,

What kind of home (er, domicile),

what kind of appliance situation,

(funny, because mom asked Randy to shop for a convection oven today).

If I should have a partner (or simultaneous partners) in the future,

what will cohabitation look like,

and will they want to eat out all the time?

(bc that is something that will bother me.)

Some of these

i can't plan ahead for

i have to live that experience.

currently,

i have time invested into a wonderful human

who is frugal,

(ain't nothing wrong with that)

but on the fence

if this will work.

It is honestly looking like

it will result in

A very respectful

FWB situation.

i was toying with a fantasy of us taking an excursion to Vegas to see some cabarets

but decided to ask his why for the frugality

because most people are frugal for a reason or a goal,

not just because all the cool kids blindly aspire to be penny pinchers.

When I realized his why,

er- his multiple whys,

I decided the Vegas thing can't happen.

(I may have to go solo).

his student loans are nearly 1k/month to aggressively pay down in the next five years, and he gives most of his remaining money to his family, with some scraps for things like hanging out with me.

That made me feel a little guilty,

but glad we only hang out once a month most months.

I definitely feel better knowing the whys

versus wondering.

And I am discovering more and more friends are swingers or are in open ish relationships.

and seeing as monogamy didn't exactly work out for me,

I have also found myself seeking information through my friends’ experiences, books like The Ethical Slut, and googling, “ethical non-monogamy.”

I won't say this year I feel I learned a lot,

but I definitely opened my mind to different ideas

and possibilities.

i feel I need to really absorb a lot of concepts I read/listened about

both personal finance and alternative relationship models.

I have definitely been out of my comfort zone and in uncharted territory.

2019 has been interesting

and I have lost a few wonderful humans along the way.

2019 opened my mind (slightly, because I am still a vanilla monogamist at heart) to different relationship structures.

uh, I still have a lot to figure out and learn there.

But I think the main thread remains,

for me at least.

I want to share this life with a partner.

But that person (or persons) is/are not here, or are living different trajectories,

and likely have different time zones or sleep schedules.

In the mean time,

I should work on myself.

It’s ok to be tragically single.

Or barely seeing anyone more than once a month.

It really is just Mr.Moustache Ride-That-May-Or-May-Not-Happen-Because-I-Have-To-Wait-For-Movember-2020.

He prefers himself clean-shaven.

We shall see how long he wants to keep me around.

2020

is my animal year.

typically unlucky when it's your animal year, I tried to get a lot of unlucky stuff out the way this year, lol, in attempts to be Proactive.

but it looks like it will still be challenging lol

and lots of crying.

(there was some prediction thing on fb)

I want to

contribute more to my Roths (yes, I have two and understand I can only do a total max contribution vs two max contributions),

Actually pair down (mostly to place an indoor aerial rig in my bedroom- content, amiright).

equip myself to do IRL streams as painless and Full-proof (that is on purpose) as possible without making myself an easy target for thieves.

Help others see logistical issues being differently abled in an ableist world that they may have not thought of. (like trying to take my dad to parts of Chinatown and Downtown that arE NOT wheelchair friendly).

Like my audiodiary,

this blog is not only therapeutic

but a means of me to look back and track progress.

I can't be the only one with similar thoughts coursing through my brain

mostly At inopportune times like when I would much rather my mind be counting sheep versus doing critical thinking.

A 20ish yo guy told Late Teens me how satisfying it can be to take a dump

and late teens me thought, “why are dudes so comfortable talking about poop?”

It is only recently, I finally understood.

sometimes you feel relieved

lighter (right?)

you feel better.

I also learned women release estrogen through elimination and if estrogen remains and is recirculated into the blood stream it could mean a variety of not awesome things for us.

Mental constipation

is me being stuck

without making a move.

too much thinking, not enough follow through.

2020 I am doing my best to avoid more mental constipation.

make more moves, take bigger steps.

did I learn anything?

maybe I shouldn't have excursions with people I previously had a crush on

Who are in a dedicated open partnership.

when I reflected,

it was wonderful

I do not regret the excursion

and knowing him better as a human,

but

I had the tiniest drop of hope

that I could be slightly more significant

than I am right now.

there is no room for a deeper connection

in his mental and emotional ecosystem.

He is in a really good place

mentally/emotionally/career wise.

he is thriving

and living

his most authentic self.

I need to

appreciate moments

without hope of more

or a next time.

(even if I would like more or a next time).

I need to Take things at face value.

minimalism has helped me

let go of mental attachments

and appreciate

things

people

concepts

emotions/feelings

that help me in life

but

also allow me

to let go

when it's time

To set those free.

because it also

sets me free.

but I am not on God Tier Zen level

i have lots of issues letting go

of feelings

and things

but I am better at it

vs before.

i tend to hold on to feelings.

I envy the connection people have,

partnership in general.

(because I am chronically single).

i have issues speaking up

and, I always feel like,

if I do speak up

I am usually dismissed.

i feel more expressive writing

because I feel like I am heard.

Even if no one reads this.

people don't mind me cleaning my room

during stream

and chat can be quite helpful with wardrobe input.

i still hate folding clothes.

that is the main Mari Kondo thing I can't hang with.

i use less hangers now.

maybe i should get rid of box packaging for things i don't plan on reselling…

I hope you found value in my posts,

even if it is just comedic

at my millenial,

first world problem struggle

with living more with less.

Thank you

thank you for reading

thanks for the laughs

thanks for coming back (for more).

I hope we can all grow and thrive in 2020.

stay hydrated!
💖 Belle